I woke up December 19, 2018 and suicide was on my heart. I didn’t want to commit suicide that morning, but the thoughts of a church member whose loved one chose to take their life was on my mind. The thought of a young person taking their life at my University at the start of winter break crossed my mind. It saddens me that one believes they aren’t relevant enough on this earth, so they think why not just leave? Nobody would notice if I’m gone? Nobody would miss me that much or even at all? It would be easier if I wasn’t here? It breaks my heart that one may feel this way, but I understand because I once asked myself those same questions.
I was very skeptical to write this article because I don’t want to offend anyone who is battling these thoughts or may have lost a loved one to suicide. However, I write this as someone who had those thoughts but I’m here to tell you, that you can be an overcomer. Before I get into my personal story. I want to tell you that there is only One supernatural being that can help you tackle these thoughts and surpass them and in turn, you will live free of mental bondage. That being is God our Father. He chose you, as stated in 1 Peter 2:9-10 (MSG). You’re not here by accident but because He chose you and wants YOU to continue living a joyful life and abundant life.
Thoughts of suicide for me started at an early age of about 9 or 10. I used to think nobody is really hearing me and why can’t my loved ones see that something is going on with me. Why am I even here? There was a time I had a cord in my hand and thought if I tighten it around my neck, I would be better off. Kids at school are mean sometimes and nobody REALLY likes me anyway. I should just take myself out. Of course, those are lies! Whisper of lies of the enemy(devil) that played in my mind. John 10:10 tells us that “the thief comes to steal and kill and destroy”, don’t give the enemy what he wants, you’re too precious. BUT the other part of that scripture also says what Jesus has come to do “I have come that they may have life and have it to the full”. See friends God wants you to live and to the fullest! I decided I wanted to live, and I dealt with the thoughts the best way 9/10-year-old me knew how to, ignore them. As I turned 14 some of those thoughts came back, I began to cut myself on my wrist because I was honestly depressed. To add to that I started to remember suppressing thoughts about child molestation and I couldn’t take it. I thought well it’s easier to harm myself than others, so I’ll do that. Eventually, I stopped because I saw how a friend noticed my arm and I was embarrassed. Was I happy with my life? No, but a small part of me knew I had a little bit of purpose being here, so I didn’t end my life or continue to harm myself.
So here I am today, beginning to walk in my God-given purpose and joyful. I’m praying this article can touch someone who may be battling these thoughts from the enemy. You may think my story isn’t that rough and you have it worse than me and that’s okay. Either way, you’re loved and have a purpose. God has a plan for you! Jeremiah 29:11, “For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future”. He has a future for you and he wants YOU and created you to make a difference on this earth. Reach out to a trusted loved one if you’re struggling and most importantly choose to cry out to God and tell him how you feel. I promise he wants to talk to you, “Pile your troubles on God’s shoulders – he’ll carry your load, he’ll help you out. He’ll never let good people topple into ruin” Psalms 55:22(MSG). Life isn’t easy, but I promise living is SO worth it. Life is a choice and I pray your choice is to live and live abundantly!
God loves you more than you know
I love you and remember you’re chosen, Bianca Brown